Post-Thought

Yesterday was my last day working at the university. Gotta say it felt kinda weird, I knew the day was coming for so long yet I had never really accepted it until the actual day came. It felt solemn , Like my time had come and I’d done a lot of good work there . It was time for me to move onto another chapter in my life. I learned so much there, mostly about myself. Throughout my time there I had changed so much as a person.

Maybe this is what growth feels like. Growing older….wiser… Having to leave people behind that you cherish and value. Not everyone is on the same path , I realized this yesterday. I have a destiny and life I want to create. It was a very dignified goodbye. I will miss the team that’s for sure.

Right now I’m in a state of both freedom and paralyzation. I’m in a kinda limbo in-between things. It’s a space for me to reflect and breathe in-between notes. If I was to compare to this to something , It’s that space between chapters in a book. Nothing is said, there isn’t any extra information. It’s just empty space. It leaves off with a cliffhanger or punchline from the last chapter , and just about to start into the next chapter. Armed with what’s been read and understood in the past chapter , you have a slight idea of what to expect in the next chapter. As we all know though, the next chapter never goes out how we expect it too.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. I have a vision that I’m drawn to. I don’t fully know what it looks like yet but day by day it gets clearer of what that looks like. I know one thing that is for sure. It’s that I’ll get to create, to express, and to create art. I feel like now is a time for me to relax and be present. To be calm and return to my centre with my new knowledge. To connect to a part of myself that’s been guiding me this entire time. I feel it , deep inside . Not from anywhere physically but energetically. It feels like a coal that’s been patiently brewing waiting to start a fire. Sitting buried underneath the ashes burning. It’s been sitting overnight , remnants of the night before. Now the morning has come and its time to rekindle the fire. And I’ve been patiently waiting for a long time for this morning to come. Now it’s time.

What a time to be alive. I know I say this a lot but , one year ago . I was just about to drop out of University . I was sick of the education system there. Then I joined the College of Discovery, Creativity, & Innovation. It was a steep learning curve at first. I learned about communication and how to voice that with other people. I learned what it was like to be part of an organization. I learned how to execute a creative vision and bring it to life. I learned a lot of things there. I was pushed and found parts of myself that I never knew were there. I never knew that I would enjoy making videos so much. I didn’t know I would enjoy the art of making videos. I didn’t know it could lead me to going to Toronto to check out a film school . I didn’t know a lot of things. It helped steer towards what I want to know though. And that’s made all the difference.

Stay humble, Stay blessed.

Creating Definitions

I have a big chunk of free time coming up soon. I want to spend it really clarifying the things I want in my life. I haven’t really taken any time to do things like this in a while . Not since the Tony Robbins seminar I went to during the seminar. Honestly I had unrealistic expectations of the seminar. I thought my life would take a complete 180 after going but something else happened during that time. It made me take a small shift towards a positive direction. Ever since then my life is dramatically improved in just my overall well-being and I’m so grateful.

What do I want to get out of life?

So my plan is to take 3 days at a cabin in the woods and do some HARD work to define my goals and the things I want out of life. I’m going to prepare a list of things to work on and bring some things to help me relax too. The purpose of this trip will be to really give myself clarity on the things I want out of life, where I want to go , and my goals. I’ll be bringing a couple books to help me with this as well as some music too. I don’t want to bring any distractions with me though. I want to be focused on the goal and purpose of the trip. This journal entry will help me with that. One of the reasons why I’m doing this is because I’ve kinda just been bumbling through life and always reacting to things as they come. I’m really tired of that I want to take more control and ownership for what happens in my life. Create the life I’ve always wanted and do the things I’ve always dreamed about. I don’t know what happened to me where I just let people tell me how to live my life , or let society dictate what I should do. I don;t want to be lazy and let others think for me. I have so many dreams and visions that I want to breath life into. Doing that starts with me writing down everything that I want for myself. It starts with me , my internal world.

Subconscious reprogramming

Another reason why I’m taking this trip to the middle of nowhere and doing this is to work from the inside out to change my life. I “say” I want a lot of things but I really make no effort to work towards those goals at times. Some I do , others I don’t. It makes me think whether some of the goals I have are even mine in the first place? I don’t know the answer to those questions yet but that’s what I want to spend time to work on.

One thing that has always scared me about growing up is for a large majority of my life. I;ve been surrounded by a lot of adults (not all :) )that seem to not be happy. That seem to have lost hope in their dreams. That’s a scary thing. It always made me fear growing up. It always made me fear that If I became an “adult” I would be like that too. What I realized though is that my life doesn’t have to be like that when I grow up. I have the power to make that change. I have the power to create a life that I’m proud and happy to wake up everyday . I have the power to create a huge change and impact people’s lives in a better way. I have that power to do anything I want . I have the power to create whatever I want. I have the power to change peoples lives. That is something that is very possible for me. I already have it, It’s just a matter of time. It’s just a matter of time….

Life is a beautiful journey

Recently I’ve been feeling more connected , to what ? I can’t really explain. But It’s a feeling of peace and guidance that I feel. Through my own work and through my own power I’m learning to take control of my own life. I’m slowly stopping blaming others for things that happen to me. I’m beginning to see that the things that are happening to me are a result of my own actions. I see now that the things that I judge in others are actually a reflection of me . I see now that gratitude helps shift me out of a lot of negative moods and emotions. I see that life is a grand journey of self creation and incredible potential and opportunities to create a greater and deeper love for oneself. Anyways I gotta sleep and meditate soon. Good night .

Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.

Coming back to society & meditation progress

Coming back from the meditation retreat is hard. I find myself working to build bridges between conflicting realms of thought. During the retreat I spent a lot of time in the feeling side of thinking. Coming back to my work and society , I've had to heavily dive into my logical/analytical side of thinking. My mind is working to create bridges between those realms of thought. It's hard to create words to something I felt. My logical mind needs something concrete to hold onto while the other half is content with the abstraction of the experience. I strive for balance in everything I do & this past couple days reintegrating back into life has been a war in my head. 

However despite this I have made some progress with my meditation today. Getting back from the retreat with all the things I learned I began to get a little egotistical about what I knew and began to see anyone who didn't want to know about it as ignorant. Talking with my friend I was able to bring myself back down to earth and start to look for the wisdom in what people say. 

Also another thing that I progressed in today was my vipassana meditation. I realize the power of patience as well as learning to detach from the feeling of posture pain during my meditation. I had struggled with it for a while & didn't know what I was supposed to do with the sensation. I neither was averting it nor was I craving it. I stayed patient in the face of dealing with it & wisdom came at the most unexpected time. I had been seen the pain as a part of me rather than seeing it from a objective point of view. That's something I'm still learning right now . Being able to detach from my own point of view is very difficult to do. Mostly because your not even aware that your in that point of view while inside of it. Each time I make progress I'm able to step back away from myself and see myself from an objective point of view. Each time I do I grow more as a person. I realized self insight somes at its own pace and that's okay. I was trying to rush things so much that it would cause me to regress in my meditation. 

Stay Humble, Stay Blessed

Daily Reflection #1

Interesting day today. I got home and felt.. better. I think I'm starting to reach a point where things are starting to fall into place & I am just in the right place. It's not always how i thought it would be but it never is. I figured out today that some of my long time friends are meeting me at a 10 day vipassana retreat . At the same place and same time. We didn't plan it at all. It just happens to be a coincidence. Not that I believe in them. 

I realize now that If I just keep my head down and put my nose to the grindstone things will start falling into place. Work hard and fight for what you love . Cause sure as hell no one else is going to do it for you. There are times to relax though too. I push myself way to hard sometimes and I forget to breath. In , Out. Letting go at its finest. I don't have much to write about today as it was pretty mellow. I'll wrap it up with this. Let love guide your thoughts and your journey will be yours. 

Stay Humble , Stay Blessed

Daily Discipline

I want to start up my practice of writing everyday again. I used to do it a couple months ago consistently but I stopped for some reason. I think its because I become too obsessed by the numbers that it took me away from writing something that I care about. I was writing for other people rather than to improve my writing. It's also nice to have a place where you can just be you. say what you want , post what you want, change and create as you want. A place of free expression. That's what we all really want isn't it? A place where we don't have to put up walls or be someone we're not. 

Its refreshing. 

I like how I can record what I'm thinking on here. It's sure to grow and evolve as I do as this website will. It's a reflection of me. And this website has been stagnant for a while. I haven't really made any changes or added anything new. 

Interesting. 

This website is my constantly evolving art project. It's a reflection of how I see the world and whats going on in mine. Maybe I should keep writing here.

Stay Humble , Stay Blessed